You're not obliged to swallow anything you despise.

I'm glad mum's back from Denver. And not just because she got me coffee this morning. A coffee which I learned later I probably shouldn't have even acquired, because shewantstobeahipstersobadly teacher Sarah took us to Shot in the Dark for a cafe reading day she failed to remind us about. Jessie was unhappy, and embarrassed to be there with a class, and not able to sit in the smoking section. Vicky probably took a nap next to me at some point. I ended up reading multiple sentences multiple times because my brain wasn't fully focusing on 1984 this morning. During Senior Seminar later, Eve expectedly called me out into the student lounge for college talk. I had up until then only been honest with one other person about my college hesitations/thoughts/non-aspirations and that was on two separate occasions [one of which was the night before this meeting]. She said what I really didn't expect her to, and let me talk without interruption about everything I was feeling in relation to the subject. I think she gets it. [I've written/said that last sentence far too much in the passed month. But that's over-ish]. She's not going to push me into college like is with everyone else. Because she understands why I don't feel like I need it, for theatre specifically, and otherwise. I still have to fill out the applications for a grade. Duh. But I'm figuring it out, man. And that's great.
I haven't really stopped to breathe until now today. And I wasn't as terrible as I anticipated I would be in that reading today. Maybe. I did think a lot about Gibran during the talk-back. And my best friend from the second grade Jessica Aldrich who died of a brain tumor. She wore a leopard-print jacket with black lapels, had ginger hair, and the last time I saw her she had come to class with her stuffed animals to say goodbye to everyone because she was going into a surgery she [obviously] didn't make it out of.
That "after-party" was equally as frustrating as it was enjoyable. Practice. That's what that was. Oh man, though... I can't even... AH!


When tech week for this awful-falafel school play is over it will be sweet salvation. That ball of stress will dissolve. I need time to need time. 


On another note. My sister's brother, thirteen years her elder, was doing research on the Truax branch of our family. Truax being where I get my body structure and the bulk of my artistic ability, specifically my need to perform. He found, apparently, evidence of distant relatives who were innkeepers to an inn where people occasionally went missing. When they no longer owned the house, because of death or.... other circumstance, they left in their wake a plethora of dead bodies in the basement. Words can not express my strange excitement towards this. The karma from this twig/branch of the family tree could be responsible for happenings, tendencies, and interests of my immediate family.


My dad just came back out into the living room. He couldn't sleep. Anxiety attack. He's having a hard time, with his Uncle being in his last days and all.


I should sleep.
It's almost 3AM.