Did you take that x-ray while I was sleeping?

cyclecyclecycle.

I've got a lot on my mind about self acceptance lately. It must be the time of year, as tonight's episode of Glee was coincidentally about such. I tend to feel pretty stable about myself, but duh, I still talk down about myself more than I should. I don't have perfect teeth [in any way], I do not love my skin, I want to chop all of my hair off, I'm hyperconscious of growth and change in my body, and more and more and always have lived in a mind that sometimes feels like a VHS on fast forward moving so rapidly that the tape is just about to burn / melt right before coming to an abrupt stop. But those things that I stress about are like nothing compared to what other people go through, and even what I used to go through. Never does the term, "middle school" fill my mouth or cross my mind without leaving a bitter aftertaste, or stain on the insides of my eyelids. But I will pride myself until the day I die on the person I've become because of how fucked that experience was. So often I feel as though I'm still spitting venom, and I'm really trying to change that. I've in the last year or so realized how important it is for me to use any audience I've got as a way to communicate the importance of being yourself, and positivity, and I realize this because there are people around me, my age, younger, years older, that look up to me, and that is an insane thought in itself. I must be doing something right, and I don't intend that to sound cocky. I'm giving my senior presentation this Friday on "Creation" and really what I'm coming to a seemingly obviously conclusion of is that I am constantly in the process of re-creating myself, and using the people and places and experiences in my life to mold who I am [as I should], and I feel like I want nothing more than to show other people how to do that too. I felt like I didn't know how to do that without being preachy, and activist-y, but I know now that the best and only way for me to achieve such is just to love myself, as I do, and really believe it, because then I will just keep doing what I'm doing, and the never-ending cycle of inspiring, absorbing, and regurgitating will continue on organically for them and me alike, and I won't have to stress about it. Sounds easy, and I know it's not. But it's a good goal to have.

Raja was rightfully the winner of RuPaul's Drag Race and the week before this last episode when posed with the question, "Why do you think you should take home the crown?" she responded with an inspiring and eloquent:

"In winning this competition I would love to leave a legacy for all the little boys who are teased, who are afraid, who don't know how to express themselves creatively yet, and you know.. they don't even know that it's okay to go against the grain. And that it's okay to say 'Fuck you," and do what you love to do, and express yourself thoroughly. I want to be an example of someone who is proud, someone who is accomplished, and someone who LOVES, loves what they do."

In the last episode she confessed that for the first time she was really able to love the person she is, and commented on how great that felt.

And on another related note, I've just viewed this revealing video of Lady Gaga talking about how emotionally taxing her career can be. She is so vulnerable in this footage that I almost feel like I shouldn't have been there, but I feel honored that I could be, in a way. I've read and seen many interviews with her about how much she wants to spread love, and be there for her fans to let them know that it's okay to be different. Sometimes when she speaks on these things I feel as though she's got the ability to tap into my brain, because her intentions are so similar to the ones I tell myself I have. It's tough to see her break down like this but it's fucking beautiful.

I feel like this is more scatterbrained than I would like it to be, but maybe it's not, and fuck it if it is.

I am so close to being where I want that I can taste it, and can even already feel the first rumbles of digestion.

I want to am going to inspire people during my presentation this Friday. I have to.

The sex is in the heel.

And eat it too.

And soon I will cut it out / off.

16. Realizing you're at the point in your life where you've experienced all of this.

It's the only goal.

Prom?

Ryan's considering wearing a dress to prom again. I just asked him to go with me as I've decided to wear a feminine variation of a tuxedo. Ha. 

chicken and waffles.

I've been meaning to send this letter for a while.

Dear eyelashes, wishbones, dandelions, shooting stars, birthday candles, 11:11, and pennies [especially ones in Disneyland fountains],

Thank you for doing your job.

Love,

Lucille Petty

The Most Powerful Forces Of Good Ever Assembled.

I picked up my accordion tonight for the first time in a while, and played [by ear] a song from Amelie. And then without any effort played and sang a new song, which is something that I've never had much luck with before. The ease with which it came reminded me yet again of how much easer everything feels. How much better. I feared so much what being in this position would do to me because never had I successfully been in it, and I realize that there could be nothing better when it comes to my creativity and drive and happiness. Nothing. We are there. We are right where people strive to be. And people fucking get it. THEY GET IT! And that's beautiful, and thrilling, and more than I could have ever asked for.
I'm still very afraid of death, and now more than ever have more reason to be, but somewhere in me I can feel the fear subside a little, if only for a moment at a time, because not being alone gives me so much more reason to live, and to live my life the way I want to, and to not be afraid.


I stopped typing somewhere in there, turned to my sister and said, "Hey! How was work." And that was fucking awesome.


And Birdman might be falling in love too. 

Good Morning.

I could not believe how much I laughed when I found this.

It's alive.

Summer's in the air and there's six weeks left of school now. Jodi told me something like, "These are the moments. Make sure you cherish them," which is [believe it or not] pretty hard to do when I'm so miserable every day I'm in that building. I started off the year being disgusted with my math class and it's turned out to be the only bearable class I've got. Jessie and I are doing pretty well sitting next to only each other, exchanging glances, and writing irritated notes to one another.

But this isn't what I wanted to talk about, dammit! SUMMER IS IN THE AIR which means my time spent at home has become increasingly productive the last few days, and I've been wearing shorts more often. [I confess I used the word "last" in that sentence because I didn't want to figure out whether I should write "past" or "passed"... even though I'm pretty sure it's "passed," and this should be easy but never seems to be for me]. It's so strange, and I know I've mentioned this numerous times, to think about the fact that this summer is coming, and it's not just a two month summer, and then back to school. There's nothing set to define it. I've got to find a new way to do that from now on. Thank the gods for six weeks. I've got fabric, and beads, and a video camera, much more skin than I had last year, and another pair of hands. I have a different bedroom [so to speak], a fresh drive, and a new work out plan. But most of all, I've got what so many people want, but never have. And that's fucking beautiful, and it's time I make that known.

I feel like a better person now. 

Some days this happens.

For You.

The Queens.

Scrapes and scratches.

Today in Sarah's English class we had writing Friday. Our prompt was, "This is where I come from." Every time we ran out of something to say, or whenever we wanted to start a new line we were to start it with the phrase, "I come from."

One of note:
"I come from a cave where extinct animals are really just hiding. And I saw one leave once, and went out into the world to find him"

And I felt my blood rush through my arms.

Without Trying Too Hard.

Cory, let's talk.

I am a cholesterol lowering medication.

Señor Photo.

6.

This cat's coming with me.

Soon.

Run, run, run. - - - Run.

The air in the house a few days ago was really starting to freak me out because it felt more and more like years before. The swamp cooler had a lot to do with that. Today with the mix of that smell, and the boiling macaroni and cheese water in the kitchen, and my watching of Youtube, and [excuse me for being a troll here] people's uploaded videos on Facebook I am flooded with memories. Sensory feelings that like to say, "Hey. Remember when you felt like this? Remember for how long you felt like this? Remember how bad it was to feel like this? You don't feel like that any more. Now you have what you need, and there's a new summer to make, and new feelings to remember. A new summer to remember, and new feelings to make."
And boy does that ever feel like the dawning of a new step in my life. And there's a big one coming up. Duh. But I can feel it now. In my skin.

First Day Of Summer.

And it's not even summer yet. But in a good 8 weeks, my friend.

Truth.