I've got a lot on my mind about self acceptance lately. It must be the time of year, as tonight's episode of Glee was coincidentally about such. I tend to feel pretty stable about myself, but duh, I still talk down about myself more than I should. I don't have perfect teeth [in any way], I do not love my skin, I want to chop all of my hair off, I'm hyperconscious of growth and change in my body, and more and more and always have lived in a mind that sometimes feels like a VHS on fast forward moving so rapidly that the tape is just about to burn / melt right before coming to an abrupt stop. But those things that I stress about are like nothing compared to what other people go through, and even what I used to go through. Never does the term, "middle school" fill my mouth or cross my mind without leaving a bitter aftertaste, or stain on the insides of my eyelids. But I will pride myself until the day I die on the person I've become because of how fucked that experience was. So often I feel as though I'm still spitting venom, and I'm really trying to change that. I've in the last year or so realized how important it is for me to use any audience I've got as a way to communicate the importance of being yourself, and positivity, and I realize this because there are people around me, my age, younger, years older, that look up to me, and that is an insane thought in itself. I must be doing something right, and I don't intend that to sound cocky. I'm giving my senior presentation this Friday on "Creation" and really what I'm coming to a seemingly obviously conclusion of is that I am constantly in the process of re-creating myself, and using the people and places and experiences in my life to mold who I am [as I should], and I feel like I want nothing more than to show other people how to do that too. I felt like I didn't know how to do that without being preachy, and activist-y, but I know now that the best and only way for me to achieve such is just to love myself, as I do, and really believe it, because then I will just keep doing what I'm doing, and the never-ending cycle of inspiring, absorbing, and regurgitating will continue on organically for them and me alike, and I won't have to stress about it. Sounds easy, and I know it's not. But it's a good goal to have.
Raja was rightfully the winner of RuPaul's Drag Race and the week before this last episode when posed with the question, "Why do you think you should take home the crown?" she responded with an inspiring and eloquent:
"In winning this competition I would love to leave a legacy for all the little boys who are teased, who are afraid, who don't know how to express themselves creatively yet, and you know.. they don't even know that it's okay to go against the grain. And that it's okay to say 'Fuck you," and do what you love to do, and express yourself thoroughly. I want to be an example of someone who is proud, someone who is accomplished, and someone who LOVES, loves what they do."
In the last episode she confessed that for the first time she was really able to love the person she is, and commented on how great that felt.
And on another related note, I've just viewed this revealing video of Lady Gaga talking about how emotionally taxing her career can be. She is so vulnerable in this footage that I almost feel like I shouldn't have been there, but I feel honored that I could be, in a way. I've read and seen many interviews with her about how much she wants to spread love, and be there for her fans to let them know that it's okay to be different. Sometimes when she speaks on these things I feel as though she's got the ability to tap into my brain, because her intentions are so similar to the ones I tell myself I have. It's tough to see her break down like this but it's fucking beautiful.
I feel like this is more scatterbrained than I would like it to be, but maybe it's not, and fuck it if it is.
I am so close to being where I want that I can taste it, and can even already feel the first rumbles of digestion.
I want to am going to inspire people during my presentation this Friday. I have to.
